I decided to save all you single people a little bit of time by doing some research before Valentine’s Day. And precisely because I have mastered the art of dating, a modern day savant of romantic interaction, who better to give you advice on what to do this Valentine’s Day than me?
Thus, using my intuitive understanding of all things eroticism, yes ladies, I have read all Fifty Shades books, and I am just as deeply haunted as Christian Gray. You may be able to fix me.
So for our first step, what I decided to do was hop online, and do some outside research because the motto is, if it’s on the internet, it is always true.
Google search: “How to get a date for Valentine’s Day.”
The first website posted was an article titled 10 Ways to Get a Date by Valentine’s Day, by Ms. Allie Jones.
Seemed simple enough. With an eye into the female psyche, I figured I might be done earlier than expected.
Step number 1: Mix red into your daily ensembles.
Alright. This may take a bit longer than expected. Her advice to young women is to start wearing red to find their Mr. Darcy. No offense Ms. Jones, but do I look like a goddamn bull? Are we such simpletons that all we need to do is wear the color red, and people will be attracted to us? Ok, ok, fine. We can stick with this; maybe I am the one who’s wrong here. Let’s move on.
Step number 2: Gab like a guy.
Ladies, all you need to do to win our hearts is be like us. Allie suggests you eat burgers, eat wings, drink beer while maintaining the body of a salad girl. Confusing, right? Find some dudes, talk about the big game, sleep in a jersey. That is all us cavemen are looking for.
Step number 3: Increase the intimacy.
Step number 4: Be alluring.
Step number 5: Get a group together.
Step number 6: Get set up.
Step number 7: Take advantage of the weekend before.
Step number 8: Go for a guy friend.
If there is one thing I’ve learned in life, it’s that this step is fool proof. Never in the history of the universe has dating one of your friends gone poorly. Not once. This idea tends to work well the closer friends you are.
Step number 9: Guilt him into it.
As you can tell, the level of desperation has reached its peak here. Allie Jones asked her most recent boyfriend why he asked her out; and his response was he felt like he had to with all of the hints she was dropping.
My opinion, if you’re going to guilt someone into taking you out on Valentine’s Day, you need to just guilt them. I say you go full Vincent Van Gogh. Take off a limb; nothing will garner you more sympathy than losing a finger, or a toe, or an ear. And then mail it off to your crush. Allie is right; they will be falling all over you.
Step number 10: Just ask him out.
I felt like Allie delivered on her promise of giving us 10 great ways to get a date for Valentine’s Day. So Ms. Allie Jones, thank you, and I certainly do not think you are a sociopath at all.
The only problem with her information is that it was female-centric, and I know there are some guys out there who would like some assistance as well. Fear not, I am here to help you.
Google search “Burt Reynolds.”
Google image search: “Sexy Burt Reynolds.”
Gentlemen, here’s what you do. I’m going to give a brief visual description of the scene. Fireplace — have that baby cracking, sparking, blasting. Bear skin rug. You’re rugged, you’re manly, you’re Hemingway. You have tamed the wild beast. But it’s fur is so soft, so gentle. Like you. Next, lie down on the carpet Burt Reynolds-centerfold style. One leg up in the air, one hand holding a fancy glass of wine. In front of you will be multiple open books: Ulysses, War and Peace, Moby Dick. You are now a mental giant and irresistible.
Basically irresistible. There’s a reason why this might not work entirely.
What do Tom Selleck, Burt Reynolds, and Lionel Ritchie have in common? Answer: a great mustache. Gentlemen, take a moment this weekend to look in the mirror. Then, imagine yourself with a mustache. Thankfully for you, I did the hard work for you.
Google search: “sexy Burt Reynolds mustache.”
Google search: “great mustaches of the millennium.”
Google search: “Tom Selleck.”
Google search: “How to grow a mustache.”
Google search: “Is it true if I eat the crust on my bread that I will grow chest hair?”
Unfortunately, this last search is just an old wives’ tale. If you want to guarantee yourself a date in eight days, your best bet is to start working on the mustache immediately. Do your research beforehand though, because you don’t want to go into this situation blind.
Do you want to look like a former daytime television show host? Grow the Geraldo Rivera.
Want to look like a 1930s movie star? Then grow the pencil mustache like Clark Gable.
Do you like top hats, lots of money, and buying property? Dye your facial hair white and grow the monopoly man-stache.
While men are immediately attracted to anyone wearing the color red, women find a good hearty mustache just irresistible.
We’ve got our ideas down; we have perfected our look. Now comes the actual action of getting that date.
Google search: “pickup lines.”
Let’s face it, talking to someone as if they are a normal human being with thoughts and ideas is something that has been overplayed in the movies for years. What people like are good pickup lines. Deliver them with full sincerity, and look your potential Valentine’s Day date right in the eye, because these are the stories you pass down to your grandkids.
Here are a few good ones you might want to use this weekend, or tonight.
“Baby, on a scale of one to America, how free are you tonight?”
“Are you my appendix? I don’t know what you do or how you work, but I feel like I should take you out.”
“Do they exert a disproportionate gravitational force, or are your eyes just a Great Attractor?”
Google search: “Tinder.”
There may be no better way to find love on the internet than the hottest dating site around, Tinder. To find your mate, you will look at different profiles and swipe left if you are not interested, swipe right if you are. Simple as that.
You will need to use the advice I’ve already given to succeed at Tinder, and for what it’s worth, I believe in you.
Step one requires a profile picture. Ladies, Allie said to wear red which is always an option. Maybe wear a sports jersey, or be drinking a beer. We men are all simple creatures; we don’t need much to swipe right. And if you don’t believe me…get on Tinder and wait about 20 minutes. You will see.
Gentlemen, remember that Burt Reynold’s pose you just did? Get one of your bros to come over and snap some candids. Maybe a zoomed in selfie of that beautiful mustache you’ve been growing out. Maybe if you own a fedora, wear that. People always tend to respond well to people tipping their fedoras.
As for your profiles, find a few interesting facts about yourself to let your potential suitors know about you. If you’ve taken part in a Tough Mudder or actively do Crossfit, let us know about it. A lot. Because as the old saying goes, “If a Tough Mudder occurs this weekend and you didn’t change your profile picture, did it happen at all?”
Or maybe be creative with it. Ask your former flames to give you some star rating out of five. For the sake of science, I asked some of my exes to write brief reviews of me and got some great responses.
“Garrett, you have the biggest heart of anyone I’ve ever met.”
“Who is this?”
“Short and hairy. Wait. Am I supposed to be reviewing our sex life?”
Then, pop those reviews into your profile, lie and say you’re 6 feet tall, and start swiping right. In no time you will have a ton of matches and potential dates for Valentine’s Day.
But wait, Garrett. What if I followed all of your advice and I still don’t have a date?
You have two options: you can either go on Craigslist Personals, or you can buy a bunch of cats and plan on living in a giant boot for the rest of your life. The most likely outcome for both is that you’ll end up scared, alone, and covered in fur.
With that being said, I want to wish you the best of luck and go get ‘em this Valentine’s Day.